I was thinking back ( as always ) about many stuff that happened.
I always say how much i hate it when my friends suddenly stop talking to me without any reason. but aside from being angry about that, it makes me think whether I am really that lousy of a friend that.. i am not worth an explanation.
What did i actually do that made you hate me?
Or.. what did i not do?
Why won't you tell me?
Is it bad? How bad is it? Can i change? How? but i don't even know what i did wrong
I always try my best to do things that I think will make a good friend, a good person... though I know i am actually a horrible person. but i am trying... i really am. perhaps you don't feel that I am.. i don't know. but i am.
When i did EVERYTHING people want me to, i got taken for granted.. got bullied, didn't even realise until my other friends told me to stop being too nice.
So i stopped being too nice to everyone.. just was nice to people whom i felt were the most important to me... but.. even those people don't seem to appreciate it.
Am I still not doing enough?
Should i stop altogether? I mean when i am being nice.. nothing seem to change from when i am not being nice.
So.. should i just keep to myself. mind my own business and not to be nice to anyone but myself?
Many times when my friends thought that i didn't do something... and they get upset with me for that, i feel like going "noooo~~ i did do it~~ i really did" but after thinking about it.. what's the point?
Nevermind... Just let them think that i am not that sweet/nice/thoughtful afterall... So at least they will give up hoping that i would do something.. lest they continue to be disappointed with me each time it happens.
I no longer feel the need to prove myself as a good person. If you see it, you see it... you don't see me doing things, i don't want to try make myself look good and say "I DID!!!" so just take it as i didn't.
Really.. since you don't know whether i did or not... just pick the choice that wouldn't get your hopes up.
The lesser the expectation you have from me, the lesser you will be disappointed with me.
from today on... whatever act that is nice you thought i did it, i didn't do it.
I didn't and will never read your blogs, check your facebook / tumblr / twitter / any social media updates, write anything, cook anything, buy anything, make anything, carry anything, keep anything for you nor did I think of you at all.
Whatever i will say is sarcasm, lies, nothing from my heart
What i say and do.. are all to my advantage.
This is me, your friend, your daughter, your sister.. or whichever way you are unfortunately related to me.
Except my granny.. I am sorry.. It's my duty to continue torturing you with my random phone calls, hugs and care. I cannot help it.
Everyone else. I give up. I don't want to try any longer. It's not working.
Since you all are not happy when i try to please you, why make both parties so unhappy.
I shall just live for myself.. at least one of us is happy.
Therefore,
To those you are pissed off with me and don't want to tell me why but it's for a stupid reason. well.. should i be sorry?
To those who are pissed off with me and don't want to tell me, but it's a good reason, i am sorry.. i really am.. believe me for the last time.
To my mum. are my jokes very serious??? If i can tolerate your lame jokes and embarrassing moments in public... i don't know why you cannot tolerate my random jokes in the car. But okay~ sorry for being rude, messy daughter who lives her life trying to make yours miserable. I am sorry for never obeying you, never making you proud. sorry that i am not this cousin.. or that friend's daughter.. or that girl on TV who works hard, get good results, obeys her mother, who is neat and organised.. I am sorry I am not her, or her.. or her. I can't help it..
GOD made me... well.. me..
I am sorry i can't change that fact that i am not someone else.. or change the fact that i was born.. i didn't have the choice... GOD's plan la you see. I hope you understand.. next time maybe you can go ask why if you are really wondering why i was born.
To my other friends who aren't very pissed off with me.. but still don't think i am being a friend to you, erm. okay~ sorry? i guess? I have tried.. failed.. tried.. failed... and have given up.
To those who have appreciated my little acts of kindness, Thank you~~ really~~ you guys are the reason why i haven't disappeared from the face of this earth. really.. Thank you.. but those little acts are going to be last nice things that i will do for you.
To myself.. i don't know how you live with yourself.. when you yourself cannot stand you. maybe you should just hide in a corner~~ *plays loner movie*
Well like what my friend once said.. i have an innocent face.. so i will use this blur face to act blur when anyone needs help... I will just look confusingly at you and pretend that i don't know what to do.
but then again.. i AM REALLY blur.. so most of the times, i would REALLY be confused.
So.. i shall conclude with
Sorry, but thank you, and i love you all... appreciated that you have once chosen to keep me as a friend.. whether you decide not to be anymore or are still my friend.
Not Yours Always,
Nicole
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