Living the life i love..

Living the life i love..

When i created this blog, i told myself that 10 over years of listening to people tell me how to lead my life, i am going live life the way i will not regret it.

Note that i say "a life that i will not regret" means yes, i will live it the way i love but yet bearing in mind that i have to stick to doing what's right, legal and stuff like that.

But despite telling myself that, i realised that i am still living life the way how people want me to.

because i don't want any unhappiness, i don't want any fight, i don't want to hurt anyone along the way.
But when i do this, i realised there are more unhappiness, more fights and more hurts, for both me and the other party~

I am always sounding nice and happy online but the fact is i am not.
I am terrible person that you probably wouldn't want as a friend. I can't please everyone, and i pains me to see people sad. But no matter what i do, someone will bound to be unhappy isn't it?

but what is bothering me right now is.. one of the things i loved doing more than anything in the world is starting to be a chore. I did it for fun, because it's my hobby, and i am just naturally enthusiastic about things i love.
I don't do it because i want to make more friends, i didn't do it because i want to get close to them, i didn't do it so that people will know me. I did it just because i love doing it. Making friends, getting alittle more known are just things i gain doing what i love~

Which made me love it even more. Because to me, in the process of doing what i enjoy, i am gaining extra happiness and extra friends.

But it's not as simple as i thought. It's not the stress and responsibilities that i dislike...

i dislike how somehow i became an enemy of a friend or an acquittance because they somehow feel i am doing it to fight with them for attention or to fight for anything at all.

Let me clear this up. NO i had no intention whatsoever of doing this. I am sorry if you friends became my friends and the 100% attention that they used to give you had to suddenly be shared with me. I AM SORRY~ i did once try to not hang out with you guys anymore if it really made you upset.  i really did try to distant myself~

and NO i don't want the fame you think i have~ I DONT HAVE ANY~ the "Fame" you think i get is just actually friends i gain and made~ i am not famous.. alot of people don't know me~ and i have no plans on making them know me.. don't worry about me taking away YOUR FAME~ your fame remains~ i have no plans of making u share it with me.

Another thing i dislike is..because people assume i am doing the above, some try ways to "defame" me. Like i said, i am terrible person, yes i know that.. The facts are already bad enough, stop exaggerating what i have done. How well do you know me? Are you able to predict what my reactions will be when anything happens? What are the topics we usually talk about? is it very private? or is it just general things? Are we ONLY close because we share the same interest ? Or are we ONLY close because we dislike the same person? Yes, i may be angry with someone at some point of time, but uniting just because of hating/disliking is not my style. Think about it on your own~
and you will realise you probably only know my name and not my story

My life used to be an open book, but that's just cause i am someone who just says my mind and pour out my emotions, but then people start thinking, "is she trying to gain sympathy?" "is she trying to force people to give her praises? "NO~ i don't want any of that~ i just needed to let out what's inside.

If you truly felt for me, thank you~ i appreciate it.. I just needed a listening ear~ Thank you for being that.

I don't ONLY share my frustrations and disappointments, i shared my happiness and pride as well~ but well.. selective reading and selective remembering.. that i can't change. and people are just hard to please and love to pick one what i say.

If i share my frustrations and disappointment - ahh~ she's just trying to gain sympathy~ want us to be like "aaawwww nicole.. "
If i share my happiness and pride - bloody idiot is trying to make us/me jealous, trying to say she's better than us.

Look, there are things someone have, some people don't~ you might envy me for something, but have you ever thought that i am probably so much more envious of the things you have ?

I get things because i work hard for it~ not because it's given to be, served on a diamond plate.

you envy me that i can go to Korea to study, you envy me because, perhaps for example, i got to see Shinhwa for real.. THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE.. or even TEN THOUSANDS of people have gotten all those.

I got to go to Korea to study NOT because money dropped from the sky, not because my family is so freaking rich that i can just take the money anytime i want. it's because i want it so bad~ i begged my mum~ i tried every single method to find the cheapest option for everything, i thought about it since 2005. Do you know how much pain i went through, feeling effing guilty about wasting money ? Every moment i was there, i was happy to be there but yet worrying if my family is surviving well.

I got to see shinhwa for real.. after how effing long? and i am not that kind that will specially follow them around. i had to wait till i am old enough to finally get the permission to go crazy.. those of you who are around my age, who liked shinhwa when you guys were about 13 or so, might have already seen them when you were 15,16.. to my mum, 16 is still too young to be doing "nonsense" like this.. my first time seeing Shinhwa was when i was 18.. only at the airport.. thn maybe 20 onwards.. and i had to beg my mum like mad~ convincing her that this is not an unhealthy obsession~~ seeing minwoo for real, i had to wake up freaking early in the morning, rushing to the venue in the drizzle.

only when you see pictures you say "oh you're so lucky" yes~ there is some luck in that.. but it's not just 100% luck~ there is efforts to be put in~

So life doesn't fall into place with you just sitting around, envying what others have. YOU MAKE YOUR LIFE HOW YOU WANT IT TO BE~ what's the point of hating people who have it when you are not putting in the effort to make it how you want it to be.

So then it comes to what i envy people about~ there're SO MANY THINGS! I envy those who are able to study and get good results.. because~ no matter how hard i study~ good results are just good.. never fantastic~ i am just not cut out to be someone who scores with flying colours~ you might think NO ~ it's just the amoutn of effort you put in~ you won't understand, because good results are norm to you~ like photographic memory~ "how can you not remember? i see one or two times i can remember already" well.. i just can't lo~ haha

i envy people who has nice bags and shoes~ i want them too~ but those are wants~ and i can do without. so...

I am only bothered by things i can change, things that can't be changed will not bother me. I just have to accept it and live with it. just like people hating me..
i don't understand why.. and i can't change that.. so.. whatever it is..i am sorry~
best we stay far away from each other, so that i can stop hurting you and you can stop hating me.

another thing that i realised is.. people always say you'll mature as you grow up~ but it seems like, from my observation and experience it's like.. you're childish as a kid, then you slowly mature to become adults.. then after a while, when you're supposedly very matured, you become childish again



WOW~ you mean nicole isn't THAAAT bitchy?
NO~ i AM BITCHY~ because by doing that, i am like the best person on this earth isn't it?
SO SEE i am scheming and terrible.
but at least I CAN LIVE WITH MYSELF for not exaggerating what people did to me.

I hope you can sleep well.

But thanks to these people, i can see who are really friends to me.. If you're able to believe an exaggerated story about me, then i guess, you don't me and apparently you don't plan to. I don't lack friends, it's totally fine with me that you decided what kind of person i am before trying to really know me.

This world is scary.

I am only super noisy online, hence people find it weird when i say i hate going into a new place to study or work.
"you can one la~ you make friends so easily"
It just seems like that.. i am only friendly and sociable online and to people i know.
sitting in the middle of a group of people i don't know, the first 10 mins is really like hell to me. i feel so uncomfortable and terrible, i can die.. and after that first 10 mins and if still no one talks to me.. i will hoping so badly i can escape through a hole in the ground... and the problem is people won't want to talk to me within even after the first ten mins because i am just weird.. i give off i weird and proud feeling, i look so freaking unfriendly and probably looked as though i can kill someone.

futhermore.. i have been through so much pain with people i thought i could trust but have hurt me so bad, i am too afraid to make any more friends for fear this vicious cycle will go on~

I am very comfortable with my group of weird and strange friends and my super bitchy best friend tyvm~

So that's that~ i just needed to rant before i breakdown at the airport~

i am really feeling so disappointed that..

i am starting to hate what i used to love all my life.. this really feels terrible~ that my only source of true entertainment is now one of the most hated things to do.